Mingling

Last night at corbin's, griffin confronted me as I was leaving. He was like "I know it hasn't been the same [between us] since you've been back and I just really miss you and I want to be with you. I don't know where you're at but I want us to be together and I to see you more." I've been avoiding him because he wants me to go back to being his unofficial girlfriend, meanwhile i've moved on. Even though he;s an overall great guy, he's lazy and dopey and i have found a guy who will treat me like I deserve. I feel bad because griffin has been my strong link to the pikes and they all like him so I feel like I'm hurting all of them by hurting him. I worry that they may not feel as favorably about me when they all figure out the situation. I really want to be friends with griff because I do care about him a lot. But whenever I'm around him he always tries to be all intimate with me so I end up having to avoid him hardcore. And I have not flat out told Griffin 'Hey, let's just be friends'. Because he asked me I told Scott, one of the pikes I've know for a while, that Griffin and I are just friends. I have told Corbin, one of my closest pike friends and also one of griffin's closest friends, that I am dating someone. I don't know when or if this information has already traveled to Griffin. It's a lil messy situation.

Meanwhile I have been on a few dates with this guy, Colin, who I met through my roommate. Colin is a gorgeous and sweet pikapp. We went on a short date to a mexican cafe and i didn't get the vibe that he was really into me. So afterwards I texted our mutual friend katelyn saying just that^. So later that night I hung out with him at the pikapp house and it was the same issue! He didn't put his hand on my waist or leg or hand or any contact really. So it really surprised me when he texted me the next day and said he really wanted to see me and that he'd text me after work so i could meet up with him and his friends at a party. So I met up with him and finally  he snapped into it and started acting like he legit liked me. So I had the choice to either stay at pikapp or get a ride home but I felt that it was safe to stay with him so i did. It turns out that after I left the pikapp house the night before Colin texted katelyn the same thing I texted her. However, unlike meee, she had texted him back saying that I had said the same thing. He told me that after that he decided he would just go for it. We both started trying to blame the other for being the hardest to read on the previous days lol. Anyhow there must be a catch with him, he always texts me, after seeing me, a thank you for hanging out and he's really sweet. Today, he even came to my work and ordered an ice cream just to talk to me for a few minutes since we both have no time to see the other tonight. After he left Alyssa was like "good job! he's hot!" But he's a fratboy and they have game so they're really good at making girls feel like they are more important than they actually are to them. I'm skeptical, but enjoying it while it lasts. Sean turned out not to be too good to be true but he's the exception, not the rule. 

About Sean....

I'm not giving up Sean for Colin. The way I see it is I'm going to have fun because that's who I am. If something good comes along I should explore the possibilities of that. If Sean and I don't survive the separation and I hadn't gone out with Colin, I would have looked back and wished that I had said yes when Colin asked me out. Right now the status' of each relationship don't conflict, but of course if one doesn't fall through I am going to have to do something tough. Even though Colin is really great, I wouldn't give up sean for him or anyone right now. Sean and I never pause in conversation and we are connected in some other way and on some other level. To put it primitively, if i were to cry around sean he would know how to be there for me, but I don't think colin would. It sounds like a ridiculous way to judge a relationship. But when some one you know cries, 99% of the time your not going to know exactly how to console that person. Its a intimate number of people that we know we could be that person for. I can count on one hand the number of people whose presence is comforting to me when I am bawling my eyes out. And sean is on that hand. 

Pike Love

On my last night in Colorado my pike friend Corbin said to me "Hey i'll never forget you, i'm keeping you here (and patted his chest) because I know you'll keep me there too"

They are my rock.

they are like my family here.

Leaving them in january was so hard ,it is still painful to have done so and to have missed so much time with them. A few of them graduated last spring and moved out of fort collins. So even though I have been back I haven't seen those few, specifically tim and john/booby. I love them so much. 

One morning last december, I stayed over griffins as usual and when i walked out into the living room, john/booby says "hey rachael isn't that the same thing you were wearing last night?!!" and they all chimed in like yeah, yeah i think it is. lol. and griffin's bro had his car so griff asked tim if he could use his car to take me home, and tim dramatically paused and griff jokingly adds "your not going to make her walk are you?!" and they all start shouting SHAAAME, WALK OF SHAAAME, SHAAAME! But then they all got up and piled into tim's car just to come along with griff to drop me off and when they had done so and i was walking into my building they were all shouting bye rachael byeeee!! 

Tim has told me numerous times you ever need me just call, if any one messes with you or anything else I'm there! 

They would have my back in any situation.

Last night:

Corbin invites me over to his house for a small keg party and it was just the core pikes with some random girls here and there so like 30 people. I'm walking to the backyard and the first face I see is griff's. Then I here "no shit it can't be" and I look up and see tim! He gave me a good, big, hug and I just held on so tight I was infinitely glad to see him. And then john/booby walks up right next to Tim and opens his arms and I hugged him just as tight. And we stood there catching up and they havent changed a bit. Booby stood there with chew in his lip while tim double fisted whiskey and coke. they said they were so glad I was back and after 7 long months of missing my surrogate family it felt so good to see them. I hold them in such high esteems I guess its a little unrealistic. When I'm not with them, I wish I was with them. It's a type of childish adoration, but it's because when I first came to colorado as a freshman, they were the boys who were always there and still are. It's sad because john lives in Denver and tim lives in the springs and it will never be the same as always having them in the next room or just a block away. But i know no matter what they've always got me and I have them.

Along with seeing them again I had already seen the pikes I know and they all said the same thing it's great to have you back. It's cool because i'm still meeting new pikes and becoming friends with them. And it's not just that I feel at ease with them, it's that they go out of their way to make me feel at ease when i'm with them. That's what being a pike is all about and that's why i love them.

Living the High Life

I look back on the dark months that i went through... flunking out of school , saying goodbye to the friends that became like family , leaving Colorado , commuting from home , being caged up with my parents , spending weekends alone...

I remember thinking about how purely and deeply unhappy I was and holding on to the thought that months from then I would be back where I belonged, in Colorado, and most of all that I would be truly happy again. 

 And now, I'm sitting here, so happy I can't put it to words. I am working, partying, dating,  laughing, and finally living.

My friend alyssa got me a job in an ice cream shop, I am making money, I will get a paycheck this week, it's such a great feeling. My life has stability and purpose. I have a reason to get up every morning because I know every day is in my hands, not my parent's, not the school system's, and not the police's. I make my happiness each and every day. There is no feeling better than this.