Working It Out

I have met with a lawyer at csu. Afterwards I went to the Police Dept. to pay the bond for my warrant. Turns out... I don't have a warrant out for my arrest!! I guess I slipped through the cracks or something.


I am going to counseling today to try and figure out how I can mend the relationship with my parents. They aren't talking to me and my mom told me she doesn't want to see or talk to me until things are better. 

Ram's pointe pool party was the shit. I ended up seeing a lot of people I hadn't yet. 

Candace and Chris were here on saturday night. It was just so good to see them. I believe that through collin, sean, and candace... God and fate are showing me that no matter the distance I will never lose those I love and where I am from. I feel like this reinforces that I have made the right decision to move out here. I am growing as a person, and in the new relationships I am creating.

The boyfriend that I broke up with six months ago when I left colorado... there's nothing there anymore. At all. There's no comparison when it comes to sean anyhow.

Also, the guy that I almost started dating last year but found out he was sleeping with another girl I knew... Asked me out on a date yesterday. I said no, closure is pretty sweet.

Sean and I skype every few days. I miss him incredibly. I'm not someone who says what they're feeling and I don't really ever know how to put what I'm feeling into words... but some how Sean always says what I'm feeling. For instance, whenever I don't see sean on skype or hear his voice for a few days I start feeling pretty lost but I would never think to tell him. It didn't surprise me when he pinpointed pretty much exactly how I was feeling when we were talking about our plans to skype " I just feel empty when I don't see you or hear you in a day or two "

Last friday he waited for me to get back from a party, stayed up until 5 a.m. est, just to skype with me until 7 a.m. I really just want to start making money so that I can fly home to see him. It seems crazy to fly home to see someone I have known for less than two months, but like I've said, I feel that I have found what everyone searches for and it would be silly to let that go. Everyday with out him is so painful but then he reminds me that it's one day closer to seeing him and i start to breathe again. I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing guy but I am so blessed to have him. 

Take the Bad With the Good

It's pretty obvious I am not a fan of my parents. I don't call them unless I have to discuss something with one of them. My mom called me out on that yesterday. She got all butt hurt. I gave no sympathy. I appreciate my parents and what they have done for me. I love my parents. I don't like my parents. When I think of them I fell dread, distain, angry, and annoyed. my mom said " please don't come home until things are different between us. It hurts too much." Talk about a kick in the stomach. This is exactly why I don't like talking to them, I am perfectly happy and then they ruin it. I just want to take care of me. I love my extended family but for some reason recently, I have no desire to talk to my sister, my mom, or my dad. I want to have a good relationship with them and be all happy with them but I'm like resent my parents and am bored of my sister I don't know why. I know I'm being awful but for some reason I don't care and it's almost purposeful. 

Things are kind of coming together, I have several job applications out and I'm meeting with a lawyer on monday to discuss the warrant for my arrest. I'm kind of afraid, what if he is obligated to turn me in? 

Thank god for the weekend i'm going to drink and rage all this bullshit away!

B.O.B and Sean Kingston are performing at CSU on the fields tonight!! Can't wait! And then tomorrow is the rams pointe pool party, which is basically like something you would see on mtv's spring break. It gets crazyyy! Here's a video from last year's party:

It's gonna be siiick. Then tomorrow night my friend Candace is going to be here!!! She's on her way back to hereford from vegas so it's going to be crazy to have one of my friends from home actually be here! So excited. 

Remember To Be Thankful

Last night I dreamt that my mom was screaming at me and throwing things and taking my car away.

 I woke up thinking about how unbelievably thankful i am that i don't live with my with my parents anymore, thankful that they are 1500 miles away.

Best Day

Today has been amazing. I applied for jobs. My friend regina just got back in town. I finally got my bed!!! no more airmattress! My room is finally a home.
Lindsey, my bestie is back and having a party tonight! And as I was waiting at a stoplight a guy was looking around and did a double back and smiled at me, not a "i want your bod" smile but a sweet "hi, your pretty" smile. And I realized how unbelievably happy i am. There is no place I would rather be right now than in the town of fort collins. I am so deep down, unbelievably, blissfully happy I started to cry because I haven't felt that way since i was here 6 months ago. I have been so unhappy and depressed at my core for the last 6 months in maryland and now i feel like myself again. Sean was a big part of my happiness today too, as usual. Because, on top of all these wonderful things, he just said some really amazing things to me. He does that every day but today it was especially amazing:
When I told him I got my bed he said he couldn't wait to lay in it and how much he loved when I stayed over his house and we woke up and talked and cuddled and his favorite part was that it felt like i lived there. He said he thinks about me all day long every day and then he told me its safe to say that he's alll about me.  And how every day gets better because its one day sooner that he'll get to be with me. And that no matter what he's not going anywhere. He's there for good. He'll wait for me for as long as he has to.


I just want to keep this day, when my house became a home. When my best friend had her first party on what would have been a plain week night. When i got smiled at by strangers. When the guy im involved with is promising himself and therefore the world to me. When im in the town i love the most. When I couldn't be happier. I want to keep this day.

Home, Sweet Home

I made it to fort collins. On the drive in I blasted all the songs I havent been able to listen to since February because they would make me to sad. I truly feel I am where I belong. 

I moved in. I bought my bed which will be delivered monday. I have not seen anyone because i've been so busy. I have so much to do. I have to find a doctor. I have to find a gynecologist. I have to meet with a lawyer. I have to turn myself in or something along those lines. I have to get a job. 

Sean and I skyped for over an hour yesterday. It was so good to see him. I am so grateful to have met such an amazing person. He makes every day bright. My transition back to fort collins has been much easier because of him. It's always hard leaving hereford and by texting with him every day and seeing his face it reminds me that even though I'm far away and living independently I am still present in so many lives. 

Looks Like Rain

I'm in the wonderful city of Chicago. It's a beautiful city that I have to come back to. 

It's been an interesting trip so far.

I started my trip hungover, having not slept, and having cried with sean for hours. Sean wrote me a letter that I will have to quote later, but i read it before driving away as instructed. Everything he said in it was perfect and sweet, and after i read it I drove away crying and it was the hardest thing to do. After weeks of partying with sean and with friends constantly, I was suddenly alone, driving away from it all. It was a rough first day followed by a uncomfortable night were I slept in a motel with my pepper spray clenched in hand.

Today was 1000 times better. Funny story:

This morning traffic was at a dead stop on I-90 west. People were out of their cars walking around and it was soo hot out. I was sweating so I grabbed my swimsuit top from the back and put it on under my shirt and then took my bra then shirt off. much cooler. So i was parked next to this motorcyclist, who had his radio on the trucker frequency, loud. All the sudden I hear one of the truckers announce to the others across the radio, "Guys take a look at the right lane, theres a pretty lil blond in a blue suv with maryland tags who just got down to her bikini, let's all be sure to give her a honk when she passes by" they were talking about me!! The motorcycle guy and i just looked at eachother and shook our heads. i was floored, it was so unbelievable!

Also I got to crash here in chicago with my friend collin, no sketch hotel tonight!

I miss Sean so much.

Days before I left, Sean and I were laying around and listening to music and he put on grateful dead's looks like rain. That song hit him hard with the fact that we had little time left together. It was a Tough night for us. Sean and I both lived in imperfect worlds, homes that smothered us and that we were unhappy in. Together, our worlds made a perfect one.  

His status tonight was: The covers were still warm where you'd been laying

...which is from the song he played. 

That night last week i didn't pay attention to the lyrics, tonight I looked them up and realized that we're living them.

I woke today, and felt your side of bed

The covers were still warm where you'd been layin'

You were gone, my heart was filled with dread

You might not be sleeping here again

It's all right, 'cause I love you

And that's not gonna change

Run me round, make me hurt again and again

But I'll still sing you love songs

Written in the letters of your name

And brave the storm to come

For it surely looks like rain

Did you ever waken to the sound of street cats making love

And guess from their cries you were listening to a fight

Well you know, hate's just the last thing they're thinking of

They're only trying to make it through the night

I only want to hold you, I don't want to tie you down

Or fence you in the lines I might have drawn

It's just that I have gotten used to having you around

My landscape would be empty if you were gone

It's all right, 'cause I love you

And that's not gonna change

Run me round, make me hurt again and again

But I'll still sing you love songs

Written in the letters of your name

And brave the storm to come

For it surely looks like rain

80521

I just said goodbye to sean. We laid and cried together for hours. It was the hardest goodbye of my life. To have someone that you know in your heart is right for you and to walk away from them by forced choice is torture and unnatural. 

My heart is broken and Im going on the greatest adventure of my life.

Goodbye Prince Charming

My dating history is similar to the life of a gypsy. Every relationship I have been in has ended because of leaving. 

1. Josh- went away to college
2. Stuart- I left for college
3. Jordan- long distance didn't work 
4. Drew- I went back to maryland for summer
5. Griffin- I went back to maryland at the end of winter semester
6. Sean- I'm going back to colorado

I've never gotten to experience a real relationship that has a beginning, middle, and an end, because I'm always leaving. We date person after person in hopes of stumbling upon that one guy, our prince charming, or as close to a prince charming as we can find. I was so lucky as to find mine.

Last week sean took me out to a really nice restaurant, he's the only guy to have done that since my first boyfriend. And when I thanked him he said you deserve it and much more. He treats me like I deserve to be treated. Everyone searches for their perfect match, and I feel like I have found mine for now. I guess if it was really meant to be we would be on the same geographical path, but still... I have found what every person hopes to find, and now I have to let him go and it's my own doing because It's my choice to go back to colorado. We are perfect, we sit together looking at each other and as im thinking how did I get so lucky to find such a perfect guy he asks "how are you so perfect?"

People revolve their lives around finding someone like I have. It feels wrong to walk away from this. But it feels wrong not to go back.